new look

Not quite sure if revamping the blog will make me want to write more, but trying it anyway.

It looks weird, I thought, like any of the one million and one blogs out there. Are the new blogger templates harder to customize? Otherwise it would be because my limited html knowledge is really outdated now. Plus of course the comments are all gone now, due to the bloody haloscan-echo episode.

I guess I will continue to tweak it until I'm happy with it. Then perhaps I will feel the urge to start writing again. Hmmm.

the love of my life

After spending close to two weeks with the love of my life, I'm heartened to say that l'amour remains just as strong as when it all started 14 years ago. The gloomy weather, incessant rain, terribly polluted air and moody underground network notwithstanding, what the city offers is a vibrant diversity of cultures and influences that is so exciting to be a part of.

(Of course the city also offers M&S, Portobello, Camden and Boots, which are like my favourite aunty store, flea markets and drugstore in the whole world.)

This trip was one for the museums and exhibitions. A final count shows 9 done, in order of preference below.
1. British Museum
2. National Portrait Gallery
3. Kensington Palace (for Enchanted Palace)
4. Museum of Brands, Packaging & Advertising
5. Queen's Gallery (for the Victoria & Albert exhibition)
6. V&A
7. Tate Modern
8. Chertsey Museum
9. National Gallery

There are a few I didn't manage to do, Geffrye Museum, Wallace Collection, Bankside Gallery, Fashion & Textile Museum, Wellcome Collection, Tate Britain, Hayward which was closed for renovations. Will strive harder next time.

Also managed to feed myself pretty well this time round, both economically and expensively. Pardon me as I record this for the next time round, a requisite since my memory is failing.
1. The Stockpot (reasonable prices for Soho)
2. Mother Mash (marvellous bangers and mash in the Carnaby area)
3. Tate Cafe (lovely place to chill)
4. Fernandez & Wells (such heavenly coffee, I must try the food & wine bar next time)
5. Fish!
6. La Trompette (it's deserving of the michelin star, but somehow I was still a little disappointed)
7. Portobello Fish Bar
8. Square Pie

All in all, a lovely time spent. You know it's love when you reach home and immediately starts thinking about possible dates for the next trip.
;)p

##Further edited for accuracy.

i have a keyboard and i will remember to use it

Yes I know the blog posts have been sporadic.
Yes I know this blog is now serving a greater purpose of updating you about what's going in my head and in my life.
Yes I know. But some days I forget. Some days I remember it as the space where I used to collect all those useless information, to let out all those mad frustrations, to speak to all those anonymous faces behind the anonymous screens.

You have time to bite me but no time to blog! she exclaimed.
It took me a while to understand her. Ah yes, my Facebook vampire bit her. That's right, I too hopped on the hottest wagon on the net. Guilty guilty. I still think it is a useless website, but it just so happens to be a useless website that allows me to tell my friends they are still on my mind. Think forwarded emails, but with nicer pictures.

I will try harder. Work has been interesting some days, but blogging about work seems to scream "no-lifer!" like nothing else. The company's internet filter engine has deprived me of the means for same-time communication with my friends. Of course in the same breath, they have ironically provided me with the means to instant message my colleagues instead.

All things said though, nothing beats the trusty real life P2P conversation. After the phone call across the oceans last night, many lame jokes and friendly insults later, I went to bed with a warm fuzzy feeling inside.

Bliss is having friends who love you.

音樂中的回憶

星期六去看了草蜢的 Forever Grasshopper 演唱會，在短短的三個小時里仿彿回到了15 年前的時光。 念中學的日子里，曾經喜歡過無數樂壇歌手，這三只草蜢也不例外。 聽著一連串曾經非常熟悉的歌曲，十多年前的記憶一湧而來。 想起了放學後刻意搭巴士到宏茂橋總站去買 $5 的 卡帶的日子； 也想起為了聽得懂廣東歌拼命看馬來西亞電臺的粵語連續劇學粵語的日子。 哇，這些都是好久以前的事了。

在演唱會上，他們說與新加坡的聽眾已經跨別 11 年之久，自己也已經踏入樂壇 22 年，一時之間感慨時光的飛逝。 當年他們是青春小伙子，我也不過是個黃毛小丫頭，怎麼一轉眼大家的臉上都多了皺紋？

臺上的草蜢們老了，臺下的我也稱不上年輕了，所幸的是在那些勁歌熱舞、纏綿情歌之中，埋著很多瘋狂和愉快的記憶。

life, thy name is delicate

It's been a while. I know posts have been quite sporadic and I must thank you if you are one of those who keep checking back. Personally I use a feeds service because of the large number of blogs I read, but enough people disable their feeds for me to remember how painful it is to have to check back for new entries.

Not too long ago there was an interview with Li Lin in the papers. I have never particularly liked her but this time she said something that I quite agree with.
"Yes, I have an opinion and I'm not always all that interested in expressing it but since you asked, I'll tell you."
That pretty much sums up how I feel recently. It's not like I lost all my opinions overnight, just that I don't feel like expressing them anymore.

Last week, I unwillingly went to a new hairstylist for the first time in 11 years. My hair was growing out into a long mess and I desperately needed a trim but for 2 months I couldn't get an appointment with my regular stylist. Every time I called the salon, they said she's still on medical leave. So I had to break my own rule on not calling her after work hours and I texted her to see what was wrong. Frivolously I thought it was probably due to a difficult pregnancy but boy was I wrong. She was actually on chemotherapy for breast cancer.

How do I describe to you the pain I felt for her? It was not just because I had a cancer scare myself, but because she's my friend and it is the last thing I imagine would happen to her.

For over a decade, we bonded over hairstyling equipment and my unruly fine hair. She was just two years older than me. I saw her through one divorce, two marriages and the birth of two beautiful children. She saw me through my university days, bad jobs and numerous boyfriends. In a sense, we grew up together. I told her I'm not changing hairstylist ever; she said she'd cut my hair for me at her house if ever she quits to become a tai-tai. She lamented that her neck has grown longer while waiting for me to get married; I told her to shut up and bring up her son well so that he can be a viable option for my daughter.

It's scary to think that all these can be snatched from us in a heartbeat. Her texts show a quiet determination to fight and get well. I told her I wish there's more I can do but there's really nothing except to hope for the best, as well as to be starkly reminded of the fragility of our own mortalities.

Anyway, for someone who professes to want to say less, I have contradicted myself. Ah well.

Just one more thing. Keep writing L. I'm reading.

walk down a short memory lane

Every time I check out some well-designed blogs (like this one), I have a great urge to revamp my layout.
But of course I don't because:
1. I don't have that kind of creativity.
2. I'm too lazy.
3. I can't seem to run away from a black background.

It's contradictory really.
Anyone who has been to my real life apartment knows that it's an airy bright place with lots of natural light, but yet chez moi on the web has always been a dark silent corner guarded by loads of cynicism and a sneer.
Maybe it's just this thing called balance.

This blog has been around for almost 3 years and it just struck me that though I had made a few adjustments to it all this time, I have never recorded the changes.
So for posterity's sake, here are the similarly different looks of my home in the web.
If you have been with me since the beginning, maybe you'll feel the same tinge of nostalgia as me.
Heh.

感情感激

"千萬不要用感情來回報一份感激。也許那個得不到的男孩現在很痛苦, 可傷口會痊癒, 折磨卻是一輩子。 "
- 戚媽媽
電視劇<<深情密碼>>

當然, 這是一種要親生體驗後才會了解的感觸。
最近有了看連續劇的習慣, 霍然發現: 這幾年來的遺憾, 原來全都寫在電視劇裡。
熒幕上演的不一定是假的。
所謂戲如人生、人生如戲。
有了今天的人生, 才會有明天的戲劇。

still the man

He used to read some of my blog posts.
I still follow his blog even though he doesn't write as much nowadays.

Despite the dearth of articles from him in the previous months, this one hits the spot again.
As it always does.
Thank you for taking the thoughts right out of my head.

Blog, because you have no mouth but must scream.
- Cowboy Caleb

tinkling the ivories

Because the piano we have at home is old and off-key and because the mother has been in a generous mood lately, the sisters have been kept busy looking for a new one.

The mother asked me the other day if I want the old piano at my place instead of throwing it out. I hardly think the old thing can survive the move. It would probably arrive with most of the strings broken and then cost me a bomb in repairs.

But if it is possible to move it over intact, I would take it in an instant. Apart from providing some much-needed cultural respite, it will also provide some great ammunition to drive the neighbours insane.

sending wishes

It's really none of my business, but still I felt more than a little sad when two of my favourite bloggers, married to each other for a long time, posted separate entries suggesting that they have gone their separate ways.

And for once, the strong silent one has more to say than the chirpy chatty one. One can read the pain in his words.

I've had the good fortune to have met both of them before. They are both avid contributors to our lacklustre arts and media scene. Very cool people, very atypical Singaporeans. Maybe that's why this doesn't seem like just another story in the blog world.

So I don't think I'll see them in the blogosphere anytime soon.

Take care you both.

一個人住

這真是我的心聲﹗
還有﹐還有﹐自己買菜才知道原來媽媽平時煮的一餐其實並不便宜。

謝謝吳庆康大哥幫我表達出來。嘻。

...
但在家里一个人住却完全是另一回事， 好处当然有，比如听不见唠叨，不会有摩擦，也没有人会争用厕所。

但一个人住的坏处更多，我突然发现原来一个人住也有那么多的衣服需要洗，原来小小的房子可以有那么多的灰尘，原来家中的一些花花草草那么容易干枯，原来养宠物（猫狗乌龟鱼虾等等）好费精力时间，原来打理小小的家得花那么多功夫，原来太安静会让人想要点声音。

结果我一有空就变成“阿信”，虽然已经不会煮饭洗衣，但仅是扫地抹地已经要了我半条命，每次完工都是汗流浃背腰酸背痛。是在这种时候，才懂得体谅爸爸妈妈顾家管家的辛苦，才会明白家人绝对不是理所当然一定在身边的。

一切，都需要珍惜。

然后有一天，我突然明白为何做父母的总在孩子夜归的时候，喜欢用“把家当酒店”来骂他们，原来那么传神。

想念每个人，刚刚过去的圣诞节于是特地到香港与家人共度佳节，这是我们一家整10人第一次齐聚国外，感觉很温馨，尤其是一个人住了两个月后，看见年纪最大的爸妈和年纪最小的两个侄女，特别开心。

新的一年除了回顾个人的过去和展望未来，花点时间想想一家人这些年来的变化，原来也很有意义。

世事多变，没人能为未来作太精准的预料和打算，如果要我选择未来最值得期待的，应该是和家人相聚的每个日子。

- <<一個人住>> 吳庆康
全文與此

mais pourquoi?

I enjoyed my cigarettes.
Most people keep smoking because it's an addictive habit which is hard to break. I kept smoking all these years because I truly enjoy it.
The smoke, the smell, the light, the puffs, the sensations, I enjoyed them all.
To me, it was never a nasty habit. It was pure unadulterated pleasure.
Not many people understood. Over the years, I have only met maybe two people who agreed and shared the same thought.

It was during Christmas that my friends realised I had stopped smoking.
Why, they asked. My politically correct answer was that it was getting too expensive. It was an answer that is easily understood.

The truth, however, is that one day I stopped enjoying it.
So that day I quit.
No withdrawal symptoms, no headaches, nothing.
Sometimes my life is just that simple.

it's time

18 months of mourning
6 months of zombified zen

This morning I woke up and felt different.
I think the time has come to move ahead.

the sparrow game

I resisted for a long time. Firstly because I was a slow learner. Secondly because no one was free enough to really give lessons. Thirdly because I was never that interested. Last but not leastly because I know it's bloody addictive.

Then recently I was asked again on numerous occasions.
First it was (sic) "how can chinese dont know how to play mahjong?".
Then it was "how can you aspire to be a tai tai when you dont know the tai tai game?".
Then it was (sic) "learn to play now so next time when you're old you won't go senile.".

O......k......
They got me at reason 3. Especially now that age is catching up.
Fine, reason 2 probably played a part but just minimally.
But really, it's a damn good way to pass time. The hours just fly by during the game. And it's actually quite fun doing the joy luck club thing with girlfriends. It's the aggressively-playing-for-money game that I'm not interested in.

But I do have a very short attention span.
Let's see how long this enthusiam will last.
But if blogging become sporadic again, you know where to find me.

and she rambles again

On this day every year, I have a tendency to watch the clock as it ticks the seconds off until the beginning of my favourite day of the year.
And as I watch, the thoughts would swirl inside my head like it is a great mixing bowl.
Only a couple of these thoughts would get put into words. All the others would just swirl around and then get locked back into that secret place no one would ever find.

I just read something someone wrote about a great Snow Patrol song.
Run.
Great title, even greater song.
Whenever the song comes on, wherever that might be, it sends a shock right through my system and it makes me remember things I thought I have forgotten.
Run Forrest run. Keep running. One day you'll run faster than the pain and miseries that plagued you. One day you'll run so fast the potholes on the road mean nothing anymore. One day you'll run right into the place you're looking for.

Snow Patrol has a new album out. One song keeps getting airplay.

We'll do it all Everything On our own
We don't need Anything Or anyone
If I lay here If I just lay here Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know How to say How I feel
Those three words Are said too much They're not enough
If I lay here If I just lay here Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told Before we get too old Show me a garden that's bursting into life
Let's waste time Chasing cars Around our heads
I need your grace To remind me To find my own
If I lay here If I just lay here Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told Before we get too old Show me a garden that's bursting into life
All that I am All that I ever was Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see
I don't know where Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all
If I lay here If I just lay here Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

- Chasing Cars.Snow Patrol

There are a lot of things you can chase around in your head.
Chasing dreams. Chasing rainbows. Chasing demons. Chasing dragons.
Not that I'd advocate the last.

A lot of ties were cut off this year. It sucks. It hurts. But you take a deep breath and you move on.
It feels good to just lay down and forget the world, even for a little while.
But I guess I'm not going to do that anymore.
If you try to forget the world, it might just forget you too.

douze mois

I realised that apart from the grandma post, I have not actually posted anything about my life for a long time.
So.
It's been:

12 months since this blog was renamed;
11 months since I lost a war to WOW;
10 months since the circus, and the discovery of Questionable Content, Lori Earley and the Norwegian goth princess named Nemi;
9 months since the privilege of driving to work;
8 months since a very fruitful trip to Shanghai;
7 months since I collected the keys to the apartment;
6 months since my ex-boyfriend's current girlfriend threw a hissy fit at (because of?) me;
5 months since the banker friend announced his secondment to London;
4 months since i last cried my heart out;
3 months since I moved out on my own;
2 months since my last view of the city lights from the penthouse;
1 month since i got in touch with a long-lost friend who got married and moved to Germany;
1 week since I threw a National Day party;
1 day since I cut my own hair;
1 hour since my last cigarette;
1 minute since my last sip of drink;
1 second since typing the last character.

It's amazing how one can summarize one year in only a few sentences.
Or maybe it's just me.

three inch golden lotus

I'm now watching a documentary on National Geographic called "Chinese Foot Binding".
http://www.sfmuseum.org/chin/foot.html
http://www.stormpages.com/pointeshoes4u/lotuspointeshoes.html

My paternal grandma had bound feet. We still owned one of her shoes that looked like one of those below.

Lotus pointe shoes

I remember grandma had mangled feet and I can only imagine the excruciating pain she went through to fit her feet in her shoes.

Grandma died almost twenty years ago.
And I still miss her.

quand dire au revoir?

Relationships, in any form, is all about a delicate balance.

And you know that it's time to say goodbye when:
1. you are no longer able to see the other person in the same light;
and
2. the two of you are unable to progress to the next stage of the relationship when you readjust to another balanced point.

Everything is transient isn't it?
When the time comes, you just have to let the things and the people go.

how do you believe?

This has been seen on many a websites and blogs.

Make poverty history

Now, lest the more petty of you people get upset, I'm not questioning the sincerity of the people who put the white band/banner/button on their sites.
But this is the question I want to ask.
It is all too easy and convenient to just copy and paste some script onto your webpage, but really, what are you actually doing for the organisation/s that you believe in?
Are you doing more in your day-to-day activities?
Are you volunteering somewhere?
Are you donating somewhere?
Are you playing your part in making your beliefs come true?
Are you doing anything?

Or are you just sitting there in your chair, cutting and pasting scripts onto your webpages?

Think about it.

the current soundtrack of my life

What is the current soundtrack of your life?
This is mine.

Painless - Mae
Let It Die - Leslie Feist
I Don't Want To Talk About It - Everything But The Girl
This Year's Love - David Gray
Fade Into You - Mazzy Star
Burnin' Down The Spark - Nancy Sinatra
沒那麼愛他 - 范瑋琪
一直到最後 - 范瑋琪

I was caught in a downpour just now. Right as I reached the bus stop near my house.
There I was, stuck in a bus stop with a leaking roof, surrounded by people who also had no umbrellas, listening to my current soundtrack. I tried calling home for help, but there was no one home.
I sat there in the cold, thinking about how perfectly the scene depicts my life now.
It's pouring and I hve no umbrella, no help, nothing.
No point depending on anyone. The most dependable person you can have is yourself.
So what do you do?
You take off your glasses, zip up your bag, turn up the music, stick a cigarette in your mouth and start walking.
You'll get very wet, but eventually, you'll reach your destination.

Once I had someone who would come and get me out of the rain.
But I chose someone else who desperately want to do the same, but never can.
Last night he said, "Let's meet up for coffee tomorrow afternoon. I'll call you." It's now 5:30pm. The afternoon is long gone. I'm sure he changed his mind after saying that and thought to himself, "She doesn't seem ready to see me. Seeing me would make her worse. I must do the right thing and not see her." However, being who he is, he neglected to inform me that he changed his mind, thinking that I probably would not remember that he mentioned meeting up for coffee.
Well I do.
And I still detest the lack of basic decent courtesy.
Maybe I owe you big time in my past life, and I'm now repaying a huge debt. But I will let karma decide on the justice of it all.
And I shall live to see where karma takes you.