Moving in slow like the smoke from your cigarette.
Every step closer's a step that we both will regret.
Keeping a tally, but who can keep track?
Your overreacting is taking me back to a time better left alone.
Holding onto the phone, holding onto this glass, holding onto the memory of what didn't last.
Waiting for better words, they'll never come.
So dry your eyes, it's better.
Now it's done.
Keep a tight grip like a child holding onto a swingset.
Waiting and hoping to find what i can't figure out yet.
Please don't unless this is something to me.
Another nightmare instead of a dream.
Better left alone.
Holding onto the phone, holding onto this glass, holding onto the memory of what didn't last.
Waiting for better words, they'll never come.
So dry your eyes, it's better.
Now it's done.
I never lost so much.
- Now It's Done.Straylight Run
I can't sit down and think nowadays.
The thoughts that run through my head are sufficient to drive me insane. The memories of what I had, and then lost, had again, then lost again, twist my insides into a mess of nerves and pain. The throbbing pain, sinking feeling in the stomach, phantom wounds, I have all these. I wonder if anyone would ever be able to know what I really keep inside.
How do you tell the story of your life in an hour? How do you paint your pain into visible pictures so that the people who ask can see them? Do they really want to see that? Do they really want to see the extent and magnitude of the pain I keep inside? Do they really want to know what makes me tick? Do I want them to know? Do I really want to open that can of wriggling worms, those worms that have the ability to eat up my insides?
A whim; a rose; choices made; a moment of indecisiveness. They brought us to this point in time. The weight we had on our shoulders, the anguish, the tears are enough to last us for a lifetime.
I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I couldn't be there. I'm sorry you couldn't be there. I'm sorry for the first conversation. For the single red rose. For Monday being a public holiday. For baring my heart so soon. For her MBA. For the green room sessions. For that prime piece of velvet real estate. For your smile. For my smile. For getting wasted. For coffee on the balcony. For the traffic lights at the road junction outside holland village. For the sydney trip. For the movies. For the beach. For all those letters. For the lilies. For saying things too late. For being indecisive. For the melbourne trip. For expectations that don't meet. For empty promises. For not having the ability to turn back time and make things good again.
But I'm paying the price. Paying the price for not knowing exactly what I want. Paying the price for being edgy, bitchy, nasty.
Am I a bad person, I asked you. You said no, you insisted that the answer to that is no. But is that really so? If that's so then why did you leave? Why did all of you leave?
I feel helpless now. Like everything is tangled and messed up and jumbled. I can't see a way out of this mess. I can't even begin to see where to start. I have been tired for so long. I want to take a long nap. But they said I can't take that nap. They said the only way out is to keep walking. I'm not freaking Johnny Walker. I don't want to walk. I want to lay my head down and go to bed.
You have to face up to your fears, they said. You have to face up to the world and its challenges. That is what we call living. But that's what I've been telling you. If that's called living, I don't feel like participating.
Not for now at least.
I'm tired
Cynical and broken, but wiser
Heavy with a sense of resentment
But i used to be so much different
I used to have so much faith
When i started
You knew that i always meant it
I knew i could make a difference
I struggled to be heard
And then finally, one day people started listening
And i knew it
But as soon as it began it was ruined
A slow descent from unique to routine
Over and over
"Just do it again and this time with feeling"
The spotlight
The focus on the friends and the feelings
That made those stupid songs all worth singing
And don't you say a word
Unless you're pretty sure that you want it analyzed
So we drove
For what seemed like days
Over roads
And four lane highways
We said all we had to say
And i realized in time that it didn't mean anything
Never
Not ever again...
Not like that
"It's only a matter of time"
- A Slow Descent.Straylight Run
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