same book, different feelings

Have you ever read Valley of the Dolls?

I bought it to read on a flight a few years back.
"Cult Classic!" It screamed on the cover.
I remembered hearing about it.
Ah well, staid old Singapore won't have it, I thought.

It turned out to be riveting. Thrashy, but so captivating.
I finished reading it on the flight. Couldn't put it down.
I was much younger then and I scoffed at the main characters in the book.
No way I'm going to make the kind of stupid decisions like what they did.

Over the weekend break, I re-read the book by the pool.
It's the first time in a long time I've picked up the book.
The storyline struck me in a totally different way.
I'm older now, and I've made some stupid decisions along the way.
I no longer scoffed at the characters, but empathized.

Goddamn I'm like Anne Welles, albeit not so pretty and without the nice boss.
Walking away from a man like Kevin Gillmore, one not so old, not so distinguished but similarly so in love.
For a man like Lyon Burke, one not so adonis-like but similarly as stubborn and idealistic.

Yet I don't have her kind of conviction that the choice made is definitely the right one.
Maybe that's why I feel so bad all the time.